Here I am…butrfly

I realized that I have a lot to say and yet maybe not the right platform in which to say it. Or I may have just grown tired of the platforms that I’ve grown accustomed to. The verbal. I decided that I needed a different outlet that didn’t require anyone else’s ears, understanding, or direct attention necessarily. That my thoughts could exists independent of those things, as well as, independent of even myself. They could have a place outside of me and anyone else.

Yet I hope that they do still reach someone out there. That is truth, no doubt. Or else I would strictly be journaling right now instead, I suppose.

In either case, I wanted the opportunity to express myself thoughtfully, with purpose and passion. Or randomly with a total lack thereof, as I felt the need, at any given moment.

There are times when I want to process things of an energetic nature, when I am excited and exhilarated by new awarenesses. There are times when I want to laugh at my various observations of the world, and those things that I find hilarious.

Other times I want to reflect on my experiences and those of others, or times when I simply want to ponder all that intrigues me.

There are times that I’d like to challenge others and debate, or times that I want to bear my soul.  There are times yet, that I want to hide and be invisible.

I figured that this would be a good place to do all of those things. And hopefully for others to share in the experience along with me.

I want to talk about those things that uplift us, those things that plague us…

The importance of community, culture/race/ethnicity, history,  the inner-self, spirituality, the man-woman dyad, the youth.

And never to be forgotten, two of my favorite past times: music and boxing. ;D But also books and movies.

Knowing me, myself, as well as I do, it almost goes without saying….but I remembered: a strong focus on dimensions of consciousness and the mind streams, as connected to the Universal. Ultimately, beneath all of these things…the journey.

My creative expressions will be shared, as well, please feel free to share in return.

May we all recognize our inter-connectedness through the Law of One.

Peace.

Beauty-full Tragedy

Forever actually came

And became eternity,

Now ALL there is, just sprinklings of your stardust,

And I wonder if u actually, prefer your new identity….

This world couldn’t contain you,

Justifiable reality,

A must,

Call it a beauty-full tragedy,

Like night’s ability to overpower the Sun,

Can’t quite comprehend, the meaning, a reason,

Where there seems to be none,

Logic over e—motion,

But at the moment I can’t find it,

What are you supposed to do when the other half of your soul,

Of your mind

Shines so bright, that it leaves u blinded?

In ab-soul-ute Darkness,

Heavy and tremendous,

Feeling crushed under the weight.

Like my long lost twin brother been snatched…

Away,

Again and I left to decay.

But they took you, didn’t they?

As a blessing. A curse lifted, setting you free.

To walk alongside the other Hood Prophets,

Now and eternally,

No longer a journey for you,

Quite so solitary.

Your imprint forever etched, into my memory.

Love n Light….peace to that HP.

~BFG }i{

Logic Over Emotion

(he simply titled it Emotion, this piece says so much, so perfectly)

Emotion

That’S E—–motion

Energy influencing motion

In a Ocean of—

Blood, Sweat, and Tears—

Mix that with a little FEAR and you get—

My Insecurity Securing me—

Keeping me safe from the HATE

And the LOVE too

Cuz you know how LOVE do

It LOVE U

Then find somebody else to give LOVE too

Fuck That—

Im Good…being Bad

My Hearts empty—

Its simply—

Beating to a different drum…

Im going numb…

I FEEL…I feel—

Actually, I feel NOTHING

But with that said…why do I FEEL like—

Im MISSING something

-Demetrius Carroll

Caterpillar-To-Butrfly

 

this poem is very meaningful to me, it was written for me at a very dark time in my life….by my spirit twin, a brilliant man far ahead of his time, a righteous man true to his convictions, my reflection of Higher n Lower Selves thru time n space…im true-ly at a loss for words. this is a loss beyond measure, felt by many, the loss of a real Hood Prophet. thank u for your presence, your lessons (promise, i will not forget), and most of ALL your Light, Demetrius. ALLways in my heart, connected at the soul, intertwined in the mind, 3rd I n I divine. i will see u in the next dimension, next lifetime. namaste.

forever missed, never forgotten,
may he rest in peace n paradise into eternity. ♥

“Caterpillar- to- Butrfly:
Confused little caterpillar, navigating through the old tree
Navigating through the obstacles that come with the leaves
A gradual but sudden metamorphosis peeking over the horizon
Confused little caterpillar, clinging to those old leaves on that old tree
As the metamorphosis creeps into fruition
Once just a dream that grew into a thought, coupled with emotion, destiny, ambition
Manifested into a reality.
A reality cocooned into infinite potential
Wings await you dear caterpillar
You always dreamed of flying
Only stalled by the fright of heights
Until no longer the heights bare such weight
Confused little caterpillar, surrounded by a new nest
Burdened with anxiety, yet the energy of potential flows
Burdened by the memory of the obstacles among those old leaves
And that old tree
Soon to leave them where they belong
A distant memory…that helped shape the experience
Deep inside, little caterpillar longed to be a butrfly
O’ the heights it would soar
One with the wind, no more need for the obstacles
Butrfly you’ve become…Fly away little butrfly…confused no more”

-Demetrius Carroll

On Love And Loss

as if it were the 1st SUNday,
i re-member we were supposed to do the spirituality every week…

so, meditating on love n loss. love n then loss, (love) after loss, (love) after loss, but still love withstands. they spoke no lie when it was said that the Lightworkers would be suffering great pain in the days to come. i re-member how i heard the many lectures forewarning me not to ever allow HUE-man emotion to overwhelm me, break me down, take me into the Darkness of my Lower Self….and still at one point, i came far too close. again i was led back to the Light tho, by the glow of a halo. so i rose like a Phoenix. altho somehow, im wounded again now, falling…

then i thought about how the Universe, they say, is mysterious. but is it really? or do we make it that way? when did we decide to close our 3rd Eyes? do we choose not to journey internally, in order to avoid what we may forsee? forsee and re-member…..do we choose to use only 10% of our maximum potential for safety purposes? unconsciously choose to stagnate the self rather than actualize, for fear of the unknown n because the process is so very challenging and painful? in a brief moment of clarity, I real-I-zed that the Universe offers as many blessings as it does curses…

i am blessed to have been offered real, beauty-full, pure, genuine, power-full love three times in my life. letting go of the 1st, longing for the 2nd….took me through some of my greatest struggles as a grown woman to present. n then the 3rd precious love came to me at such a necessary and crucial moment, in such a true, natural, open, giving way, that i gave thanks and praises and received it fully, as difficult as that is for me. little did i know how much i would need it to withstand the tremendous loss of life that has come to follow the loss of that 2nd blessing. so on this 1st SUNday, i recognize that divine gift within this beauty-full tragedy that is life, declaring my appreciation n offering my reciprocation, actively accepting both halves of the polarities as One. peace to that.

bless-ed be n be-loved luv’d 1s, remember to count your blessings, not just the curses. ❤

10/28/12

Full Bloom

he loves me…..

just like the petals of a rose

he loves me not….

plucked away, one by one,

they wither and decompose

he loves me…

so much that actually,

he intends to preserve my scent

in a sweet potpourri

of those iris and dafodil petals decayed

he loves me not…

not enough, he’s too afraid,

to ever sacrifice his grasp on denial and avoidance

he loves me…

only enough to jeopardize his greatest opportunity,

all a matter left to chance

he loves me not…

despite my pleas and futile demands

he loves me…

as a simple memory,

one so faded its virtually

non-existent

he loves me not…

and i experience this internally

as a feeling

from my pistil to my stalk…

and with that, the fact dawns,

i love him not…

no, no, wait…it’s, i love him not….

yeah thats what it is…

so i play my position

and make my decisions

allow my 3rd eye to guide my visions

no more asking permission

not another second questionin

assumin or wishin…

acceptance

the only force strong enough

to crumble the walls

of even the most secure prisons…

Reflectivity

now is the time of my reflection. the time to stare into the mirror of i-self. and learn thoroughly the person who reflects my spirit soul….

like moolight which glimmers

off of the ripples of a lake, filled with the most joyously sorrowful tears;

a reflection,

same as golden beams that glimmer down on gardens,

blooming with unconditionally-loved flowers for many years;

no different than the faces of the “torn and confused,

wasted and used,”

staring back at me from a million angles,

through the scattered shards of a looking glass,

now broken and abused,

so i collect each piece with no fear of being wounded,

in order to,

put them back together into a cohesive, recognizable image,

a reflection,

of a girl i once knew;

like the process of meditating on cold realities and shadowed illusions;

on higher selves that ascend to greatest heights

and inner demons who seek nothing more than to impose intrusions,

leaving behind the deepest of contusions across heart

muscles in confusion;

a REFLEX-ion,

exactly like an involuntary response,

as that of a gasp for breath or a blink of an eye,

remember? that forgotten moment when time passed by;

like a patterned reaction, 

that remains automatic and unworthy of thought,

a reflex-ion…time no longer,

instead this time reflection will win the battle over reflexes

after a war, far too long fought; 

so now i reflect:

true knowledge, wisdom, and understanding,

that which can only be gained from experience;

love and light,

that sparks within my soul and radiates outward

towards a horizon, at a never-ending distance,

visible even on the darkest of nights;

logic’s perfect balance with emotion,

not at all cold, unfeeling, 

or apathetic,

rather simply feeling nothing more,

than my 3rd eye permits;

genuine receptivity as an infusion of femininity,

and yet an unparalled peaceful strength found in my vulnerability.

my reflect-ivity.

Memories Remain

there is no starting point with this….i have no place to start from, in this lifetime of mine,
its as if my memory precedes itself.
stretching back to a place of darkness, where silence is the only sound.

but within this lifetime, memory has served me quite well. for i hold so many memories throughout my body. memories in my heart, in my mind, in my womb, in my soul.
memories on my lips, in my lungs, in my hands and arms, in my hair. memories thru my eyes.

memories that inspire me, memories that fulfill me, memories that bring me joy, memories that flood my body with fear, memories that anger me, memories that allow me to release long withheld tears.

and throughout time,  while it has been one of my greatest gifts, memory has also been a curse to me. for memories haunt me in my dreams. memories speak hard truths in the face of lies, even as a soft whisper in my ear. memories torture me at times, endlessly replaying for me, scenes of life.

there are even times when future memories come to me before the event has ever occurred, only to later revisit me once it actually has. a type of de ja vu, providing me with a sense of necessity and temptation. when in fact, i should have interpreted that memory from the future, instead, as a warning. those are the memories that have most often left me in mourning.

for what may have been lost, for the mistakes that may have been made, for the opportunites that may have been missed, for all the times i’ve wished,

but still it never came true. for all the times i have willingly played the fool.

yet memories also carry me so far away, travelling through my amygdala, to a far off, past time. a time when love flowed in abundance. peace bloomed around me, like blossoms of a cherry tree. a time when energies flowed like the Nile River, lapping at my feet on the banks with sheer bliss, but never ignorant. the greatest time ever missed, so often here, i reminsce.

a time when i lived a life, that eludes me on this current plane, in this present vortex of time and space. against this concept of time, constantly confused and always behind, we think we race. but really, we are all too often simply mislead and left dazed.

yet i have not forgotten and my far off reality is never doubted. for the sweetness captured during that very last kiss from my soulmate, lingers on my lips. the passion fruit flavored, neverending taste.

a memory that i can never forget. as generations pass, as my many lives die and are reborn again. forever, that kiss is the one constant. the most valuable and cherished memory of all, for it re-minds me of my truest nature and highest self. most importantly, my previous existence.

and just as there was no point from which to start, so too, is there no end….memories carry on, within me, though never with-out me.

these collective memories are the very particles that create the fabric of our universe, woven and stretching endlessly onward into eternity.

and i will be there to see, so as to imprint,

upon my memory.

Blessed Be

 

when everything falls silent, when quiet sets in for the present time. i have often sat here and allowed my many thoughts to play freely. to be not confined by anyone else’s expectations, agreement, or even understanding. it is a blissful and somber experience, simultaneously, at times. and i cherish it, savor it, revel in it.

the quiet stillness has become my companion, my peace, my tranquility now. whereas in contrast, i spent very many years making attempts to escape what i considered, at the time, to be lonliness, isolation, deprivation.

like this one i have just mentioned, over the past few years, i have been blessed by many teachers with some of the greatest lessons in life. or maybe more accurately, its that they reacquainted me with some of my own personal “greatest lessons in life.” i believe, so that they would not be forgotten or taken for granted any further.

although naturally i have been faced with many obstacles over the course of my life. and admittedly, i have even created some major challenges for myself along the way, maybe just to throw fuel on the fire…or maybe also to simply test my will, strength, and potential (something i have always enjoyed doing); yet it seems never have i been challenged so greatly as in these past few years.

everything that i believed in and thought i knew, about the world around me, people, and most importantly, myself; was both confirmed on the deepest experiential level and shattered like a denial with nothing to replace it.

it’s still difficult to admit how close to being completely broken down that i actually was, as a result of the varied losses i experienced. only a small handful of people witnessed or heard anything about it from me. they say, the hardest things in the world are also the most fragile. and  i acknowledge and accept how i was truly broken into a myriad of shards, apparently not completely though. i know this because i stand even more solid today. in retrospect, i understand that i simply became lost inside myself, trying to find myself. but the result is a fusion of a past butrfly who was still learning to flutter along, all too often struggling  against unpredictable breezes; and a brand new one that has adapted to the fluidity of the changing winds that carry her on this journey. 

i was once told that “in your vulnerability, you will find your greatest strength.” i resisted this concept, could not even fathom how this thought could have application in my life. what i have discovered is that the trick was to be able to immerse myself in and tolerate my own vulnerability, genuinely and unconditionally. while at the same time, this was a vulnerability that i did not even know existed, a vulnerability that i didn’t have any interest in gaining comfort with, let alone acknowledging.

yet whether we want or like, no one can escape themselves forever. and it seems that the Universe has a way of aligning all things in their necessary way, so that you will always be captured by yourself in due time.

i’m still always amazed at how as we grow and progress, we can sometimes start to think we have ascended and developed to the pinnacle of our existent, and yet many transformations still await us on this journey through earthly time and space, nevertheless. whether consciously or not.

so here i stand again, after yet another transformation, still reflecting upon the immense struggle and pain experienced trying to free myself from another cocoon; with my wings still sore and damp, definitely in need of sunlight.

now i seek out that sunlight, without any hesitation or reservation, to replenish and strengthen myself; to warm me from the cold again. i am no longer tucked away in dark shadowy places, but i value them nonetheless. they are the places that allowed for my deepest, most overwhelming emotions. the places that held me in a certain comfort as well, as i struggled through. even though i regret having to be taught/re-minded so explicitly, of things i should have already known and understood a long time ago; even though the process of integrating these lessons brought out the worst in me, at least temporarily, at times; even though reality can be a difficult and painful burden to carry….i find myself at peace. continuously recognizing the infinite value in all of the above. 

so today i am giving thanks and praises.

i cherish the sunlight, savor it, revel in it.  as well, i give thanks and praises for the beautiful flowers that consistently support me in my weariness, offer me their nourishing nectar, and reciprocate the delicate interdependence between our existences.

for all, i give thanks.

1 love…..infinite minds, hearts, spirits

}i{

Each 1, Teach 1

it’s been brought 2 my attention that readers may like 2 pick my brain about various topics. im beyond honored, at the request. words truly cannot convey….so i thought it might b a good idea 2 create a section where readers who might come thru cud drop their own thoughts, ideas, creative expressions, questions 4 me n others, etc. please feel free 2 utilize this space as freely as ur mind’s eye allows. may we begin 2 recognize our connection thru the law of 1.

peace n blessings.

}i{

Mind’s Eye Shine

Knowledge doesn’t cease

For a second,

It don’t sleep.

So I’m shedding my fleece

Like unblinded sheep

Grateful for my Sheppard

Leaving me bare nekkid

And exposed.

Not a trace of fear detected

Although

To the wolves I’ve been thrown

Not a concern, in fact,

Hungry like a wolf,

At the very least

So I seek

Out an endless, gluttonous feast

Where the intoxication of insight and awareness

Flows.

Where taste buds savor every fruitful aspect

Of knowledge and wisdom

Bestowed

Unto 2 my spirit soul.

Suspended in a timeless vortex

In between wormholes,

Of which to pick n choose:

Returning

To the future,

Allegedly still unknown

Traveling backwards from

The past,

I said,

Traveling

BACKWARDS

From the past,

Only to be found sitting upon my throne

Spinning circles around present,

Where everyone knows everything

Yet none of it can be explicitly shown

Master of journeys

Related to time and space,

Never trekked so far and wide

As on the voyage into i-self

Across endless Saharan desert sands

Where the most unquenchable thirst

For knowledge was ever felt

Confusion sparked by a far off oasis,

Trying to convince me

Of nothingness,

As if a barren reality is all that exists

But I persist

To the Himalayan mountains’ highest peaks

Where the Most High left a fingerprint

Across my consciousness,

The moment I was reached

So I would always be re-minded

Of my identity.

At that moment I was free.

Tread through the widest plains and valleys

Stretched forever at my feet.

Also where I discovered paradise

And peace.

Rest from weariness,

Supported and cushioned

By cattails and honeysuckle fields,

A-scent-of-

Lavender lingers with sweetness

Levitation simultaneous

A-scen-sion

Of the physical being

Lifted by Blueberry buds made melodious

My perception piqued freshest

On through the roughest

Ocean currents,

Threatening to suck me down a whirlpool,

Still it was not a great enough deterrent

Fear dissipates diving nonstop

Into the deepest and darkest abyss

Of illuminated awareness,

An accompanying flash of panic,

A thought that I am going to lose my last breath,

Yet as well there’s a powerful

Re-member-ance

Truth and oxygen

Share in equivalence.

In time we all shall see.

Knowledge doesn’t cease,

For a second,

It don’t sleep.

So began the time that

Neither different should it be.