Blessed Be

 

when everything falls silent, when quiet sets in for the present time. i have often sat here and allowed my many thoughts to play freely. to be not confined by anyone else’s expectations, agreement, or even understanding. it is a blissful and somber experience, simultaneously, at times. and i cherish it, savor it, revel in it.

the quiet stillness has become my companion, my peace, my tranquility now. whereas in contrast, i spent very many years making attempts to escape what i considered, at the time, to be lonliness, isolation, deprivation.

like this one i have just mentioned, over the past few years, i have been blessed by many teachers with some of the greatest lessons in life. or maybe more accurately, its that they reacquainted me with some of my own personal “greatest lessons in life.” i believe, so that they would not be forgotten or taken for granted any further.

although naturally i have been faced with many obstacles over the course of my life. and admittedly, i have even created some major challenges for myself along the way, maybe just to throw fuel on the fire…or maybe also to simply test my will, strength, and potential (something i have always enjoyed doing); yet it seems never have i been challenged so greatly as in these past few years.

everything that i believed in and thought i knew, about the world around me, people, and most importantly, myself; was both confirmed on the deepest experiential level and shattered like a denial with nothing to replace it.

it’s still difficult to admit how close to being completely broken down that i actually was, as a result of the varied losses i experienced. only a small handful of people witnessed or heard anything about it from me. they say, the hardest things in the world are also the most fragile. and  i acknowledge and accept how i was truly broken into a myriad of shards, apparently not completely though. i know this because i stand even more solid today. in retrospect, i understand that i simply became lost inside myself, trying to find myself. but the result is a fusion of a past butrfly who was still learning to flutter along, all too often struggling  against unpredictable breezes; and a brand new one that has adapted to the fluidity of the changing winds that carry her on this journey. 

i was once told that “in your vulnerability, you will find your greatest strength.” i resisted this concept, could not even fathom how this thought could have application in my life. what i have discovered is that the trick was to be able to immerse myself in and tolerate my own vulnerability, genuinely and unconditionally. while at the same time, this was a vulnerability that i did not even know existed, a vulnerability that i didn’t have any interest in gaining comfort with, let alone acknowledging.

yet whether we want or like, no one can escape themselves forever. and it seems that the Universe has a way of aligning all things in their necessary way, so that you will always be captured by yourself in due time.

i’m still always amazed at how as we grow and progress, we can sometimes start to think we have ascended and developed to the pinnacle of our existent, and yet many transformations still await us on this journey through earthly time and space, nevertheless. whether consciously or not.

so here i stand again, after yet another transformation, still reflecting upon the immense struggle and pain experienced trying to free myself from another cocoon; with my wings still sore and damp, definitely in need of sunlight.

now i seek out that sunlight, without any hesitation or reservation, to replenish and strengthen myself; to warm me from the cold again. i am no longer tucked away in dark shadowy places, but i value them nonetheless. they are the places that allowed for my deepest, most overwhelming emotions. the places that held me in a certain comfort as well, as i struggled through. even though i regret having to be taught/re-minded so explicitly, of things i should have already known and understood a long time ago; even though the process of integrating these lessons brought out the worst in me, at least temporarily, at times; even though reality can be a difficult and painful burden to carry….i find myself at peace. continuously recognizing the infinite value in all of the above. 

so today i am giving thanks and praises.

i cherish the sunlight, savor it, revel in it.  as well, i give thanks and praises for the beautiful flowers that consistently support me in my weariness, offer me their nourishing nectar, and reciprocate the delicate interdependence between our existences.

for all, i give thanks.

1 love…..infinite minds, hearts, spirits

}i{

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~ by butrfly on June 3, 2010.

7 Responses to “Blessed Be”

  1. BEAUTIFUL AS ALWAYS..WHENS THE BOOK COMING??

    PEACE..BLESSINGS..PROSPER..ONE..

  2. thank u so much Tybo! preciate the read n comment. fa sho! im still workin on makin the book happen. lol u’ll b the 1st i let know. 😉

    1 love….infinite minds, hearts, spirits.

    peace.

  3. you’re writing a book? hmmmmm……..i would like to see this when it comes out. as far as your blog i have to say that it sounds like you did some deep soul-searching and i don’t know what the breaking point was for you but i’m glad you were able to stop and comprehend what was happening and what you could to do change things. constant change is always going to be a part of evolution whether people like it or not, that’s what separates the truly evolved from the stagnant and ignorant still living in the past or allowing their fears to take over. as far as the revelation within the quote “in your vulnerability, you will find your greatest strength”, that is so easy because it follows along the line of a quote i sometimes live by “when you’re weak is when you’re strong”. nobody wants others to see them at their most vulnerable and weak because unfortunately some take advantage of us in our most weakest moments so we always have the defenses up and front like everything’s ok or like we aren’t to be fucked with. there is no love or trust these days because too much confusion, hate, anger, animosity, and dishonesty is circulating these days. love can definitely conquer this but nobody wants that in their heart or lives because 1nce again it’s considered a sign of weakness. it’s up to people like you and i to counterattack those emotions and feelings and stay strong in the face of adversity, even if you stand alone which i’ve found myself doing on more than 1 occasion. it sucks when you battle your enemies by yourself with no help or assistance but i guess therein lies the true test–whether you’re strong enough to handle it and stand your ground and fight back even harder.

  4. lol Tybo is teasin me because i have been laggin on seein that into fruition. but it has long been a desire of mine 2 write books, novels, etc. ive mainly jus written poetry tho n my titangraphs or dissertations (as they call em on AHH). lol

    i really appreciate u taking the time 2 read my piece and share such in depth dialogue with me.

    my life has been an extended, never-ending search of my soul. not a facet left unturned. n the search continues forth, through mountain peaks n valley lows.

    i love the process of change n transformation. n i cudnt agree more with how u said: “what separates the truly evolved from the stagnant and ignorant still living in the past or allowing their fears to take over.”

    absolutely! the 1 thing we can b certain of in life is change. progress, advancement, transformation are all contingent upon change. yet ppl fear it. but fear will never stop change from occurring, it wont even slow it down very well.

    it took me some time, around about a year, b4 i cud gain comfort with the concept of vulnerability equating to strength. but nevertheless, the process was taking place the whole time, on an unconscious level.

    n eventually i discovered that it had manifested in me. integrated in me, that polarity. n what a beautiful feeling. there is no way 4 me 2 describe it in words, other than 2 say, peace n content, a certain type of euphoria, i suppose.

    interestingly, i recently had a similar conversation about how love and trust is lacking 2day, esp in intimate relationships. it unfortunate n i believe much of it is rooted in fear. n also the fact that many, many ppl are plagued with pervasive issues that stretch back 2 preverbal stages of development. ppl have not been taught either how to love or trust. so they hurt n disregard others, as they have been.

    but i refuse recreate such traumas or cycles in my life. n u r absolutely right again…even if u stand alone. i know that place from experience 2. its a cold place 2 b, standing alone, esp alone in love, in your process, in your convictions, in your truth, in ur awareness.

    hahaaa i c u a sharp 1 huh? cause again, absolutely correct: that is the true test of whether u have the strength, will, n resiliency 2 stand alone n fight another day.

    peace boot-cheese. thank u again so much 4 ur input. feel free 2 check around here, there might b sum pieces of interest 2 u, from what i cud tell so far about how ur mental works. check out “Mind’s Eye Shine” sumtime, im sure u cud appreciate that 1.

    k peace n paradise, luv n light.

    }i{

  5. anytime. i will definitely come through when i get the chance and read some more of your stuff. such a shame we never got to meet one another in brokeland. and i thought all the sistas out there were golddiggin’ foul-mouthed jailbirds or embittered black women who looked down on us, and trust me it was difficult trying to find any woman of any race out there in the bay who didn’t think like everybody else let alone behaved like the. we all have insecurities but taking them out on others or perpetuating them on others won’t solve the problem. keep up the good work, i see we both have some things in common.

  6. lol brokeland? hahahaaa thas hella funny!

    but wow, u from the Town? n where u at now?

    i understand what ur sayin about the women here, of course ive heard the perceptions expressed time n time again, as well, have i been on the other end similarly critiquing men, critically observing from afar.

    i have been lucky 2 escape the negative interaction style that plagues majority of men and women in their intimate relationships out here. always worked extremely hard 2 never fall in2 those patterns. n their absence still dont make things perfect. lol but much more secure and fulfilling, during the time allotted.

    nevertheless, what can i say? i have always been diff tho, a lil bit on the unique….side. we’ve had plenty jokes about it on AHH. u can bet that! lmao

    but fa sho, thnx 4 the acknowledgment.

    peace boot-cheese

  7. yeah i know the men are just as bad there, jeez………i’m originally from hell-a but lived in the bay for like 2 years before i relocated a couple times then settled here in tucaon arizona. i’ve never lived nor been here before until earlier this year where i’m living with my roommate and girlfriend theresa. before you start thinking “aw man, another cutie-patootie’s taken”, i should confess that we both have a open relationship. we both expressed that since she wasn’t ready to settle down with anybody and i definitely wasn’t. that’s something that i’m trying to avoid seeing that it was a reoccuring mistake in my love life–being celibate for a number of months or years (this last time was over 6 years) and then getting involved in a relationship with the first woman that shows me any type of attention. i feel lucky to have found her because i was just miserable being lonely all the time with no friends let alone lover, which she is definitely a good friend as i am to her. her mom died of cancer about a month ago and i tried to be here for her and console her and help her any kind of way that i could. her mom went into remission in march when i was in texas before i was forced to move here after my older brother and i got into a violent fight late one mon. night. the next day my mom gave me a ticket to leave. whatever, i really wasn’t happy being at home seeing my family wasn’t showing me any respect or support whatsoever. i was extremely miserable there the brief time i was living there. the funny part about being here is that i started having deja vu flashbacks from past dreams for like 3 weeks. one day i had about 5-6 in a row!!!! having deja vu flashbacks is nothing new to me but the fact i had so many in one day is a 1st for me so i feel there was a reason for me to have all those dreams and for me to be here now. that’s something i try to follow and study is my instincts and dreams and other things since i believe i was meant to be a shaman for the longest time so i try to study as much as i can about the subject and other topics related to it. oh yeah if you wanna hear some good music go to this link, i’m a HUGE fan of beni b!

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/b00smtjh

    so far this show is really dope. man all the cuts are funky fresh. make sure you listen to it before sunday afternoon or it’ll be gone and the new show will be up. because of the ascap/emi bullshit rules podcasts can only last for a week/7 day period. hope you enjoy. talk to you later oaktown diva.

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