Dreamscape

Last night he filled my dreams,
Not just his presence somewhere
There,
But all around me.
As if time had never passed
Us by.
Making me, once again
Wonder, “Why?”
About so many things
That happened way back
When
I loved him so much
That I thought I would forever.
And that feeling would never end.
Despite the fact that,
He probably loved me
Never.

In my dream,
I saw him at seventeen.
He looked just the same.
And the feelings that
Washed over me,
While asleep,
Filled me up so deep.
Just like each time he came
Once again
Into my view.
After a seemingly
Never ending, absent
Week or two.
There I was all over again,
Feeling so shy and insecure.
But also overwhelmed
By my complete
Powerlessness.
I wanted to never let him go.
He was the first boy,
Ever loved.
And over both,
I confess,
I had absolutely no control.

One day he just said,
“Good-bye.”
With no explanation or
Chance for another try.
So I did the only thing
I could,
Listen to Jodeci and cry
Every single night.
Until the darkness transformed into
The warmth of golden
Sun light.
For at least one month
I shed tears of heartache
For him.
Looking out the window
Hoping one day he’d just be there.
Waiting for him to call,
Saying he’d made a mistake.
But, yes, of course, he still cares.

Of course,
That time actually did arrive,
At one point.
And when it did
I could see that he
Too
Believed that forever
He would have that
Type of power over me.
But in reality,
It just wasn’t meant to be
That way.
It was too late
For him
Because I had changed.
I can imagine, to him,
It must’ve seemed so strange.
But love is a mysterious,
Powerful thing.
And-
When he came back to
Claim what he thought
Was forever his,
I had fallen in love again
But instead of a with boy
This time it was with
A man.

Nothing he said could penetrate
Through
The shield that had
Evolved and grew
From the shattered
Remnants of my heart.
Yet still I find my thoughts
Wandering to him from
Time to time,
And find
Myself wondering just where
A dream ends and a
Memory starts.
Although I have never seen his face Again,
And probably never will.
He shall forever be
Seventeen
In the landscape
Of my dreams.

10/20/05

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~ by butrfly on December 21, 2009.

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